Do you know what your life purpose is? Your role and contribution to the world? Any ideas? Many mums reading this will probably say "being a mum" which is lovely and heart-warming. But what if the role of mum is no longer enough just by itself? Those words are hard to utter, whether through guilt or from a fear of being judged by others. But seriously, what if being a mum no longer fulfils your every waking need and sense of identity? The younger your children, the more dependant they are, but as they start to grow, your role and input becomes less of a full time job, and more of a ad-hoc service. And then what? Who are you? Where are you? Where are you going?
Hubs and I completed our family in June 2014, with the arrival of our little, medical defying miracle daughter, but even after her safe arrival, we still had hurdles to overcome, so it was not until her first birthday that I finally allowed myself to relax after nearly two years of daily positive thinking in a long, dark, unknown situation. And when I say 'relax' it was really more of an exhausted collapse, truth be known.
Whilst clambering back onto my horse called Positivity to enable me to move onto my next life chapter, I started to feel somewhat lost and not at all sure what the next chapter was going to be, or even what I wanted it to be. Don't get me wrong, being a mum is the most rewarding experience and there is nothing else quite like it, but it is also an exhausting, selfless, non-stop and confusing world of guilt.
Many women have a child, go on maternity leave, and then return to their career doing a magnificent balance act of work and home life, but I took the wonky-donkey approach and resigned from my job whilst on maternity leave and then had two more babies there after, so then had no career to return to five years on. And do I even want to return to my previous job role? I honestly don't know. All I can fathom out is that I need something that defines me more in life than just being so-and-so's mum.
I guess it all boils down to "What makes you happy?" I am a great believer in that we should do more of what makes us happy...although, parenting four children is so tiring, I am often too tired to do anything come what the kids bedtime, let alone focus on things from my happiness list. I like spiritual and gentle past times, such as meditation or reading. Oh, and wine. Lots of wine. The glugging sound that you get when you open and pour a new bottle, there's something that makes me happy. And stamping on crunchy Autumn leaves. Enlightenment! I need to find a career in wine bottle pouring walking meditations through crunchy leaves, preferably only working term time too. Perfect. See, now I have ranted aloud in my blog, I have found the answers to what I was seeking, it turns out the answers were within me all along.